There seems to be a pattern of sorts developing.
It's initiated with my utter disregard for the countless times God says to me "You are worth it. And I love you."
The pattern of my return to Him is woven like this: a road trip, a gathering, and a yellow book.
It seems silly, really. It seems like I may be going out of mind.
But please, let me paint a little picture for you.
Exactly 2 years ago to today's date, I realized that I had a problem with depending on people. Now wait a minute, can there be a problem with that though? Really?
YEP.
If you depend on them for who you are, you have quite a mess on your hands.
So during this time 2 years back, I was sitting at my parent's bakery trying to understand why the one person who I depended so much on has decided to stop talking to me.
I had prayed. I had talked to my family. I had made it a point to see a counselor in the future..
And yet, Why? Why should I go through something like this?
Because I told God, " Here, just step aside and I'll let this person dictate Me, my emotions, and my view of You. Really, it's easier."
His response: "You won't even have this person in your life until you realize who I AM."
So as I sat in the bakery's office, after months of figuring things out, hurting to heal, and not knowing when and where I would talk to this person again, I looked up and it was my birthday.
HOORAY.
That day I had no expectations. Weird for a birthday, I know, but under these circumstances, I couldn't afford to be disappointed because my poor fragile state would crumble me up.
And then I get a call. A call from that person.
"Happy birthday!"
"Oh Hello! Thanks! What's going on? How are you?"
"I'm really well. I am visiting someone important to me soon. I'm going on a road trip to meet up with them."
"Oh. Really? That's nice."
"Yeah, well, nice talking to you. Have a good birthday."
"Thank you. Thanks for calling too. I appreciate it."
"No problem, Bye."
"Bye."
10 minutes later I call back:
"Can I come with you? I have a video to make about a trip anyway. I can tag along, if thats OK. You'll save on gas, I'll be able to film something great and I will be doing my own thing."
"Sure."
Now let me recap. I had not spoken to this person in months and I knew I was going into this expecting a lot of old emotions to peak their ugly heads up again. But something said GO. Don't think. JUST GO.
So I went. We went on this road trip that provided no safety barrier in exposing my honesty towards this person, and vice versa.
And it was beautiful.
We reached a level of friendship that was only achievable through Grace.
And so I went about my filming on that trip. Went up and down this little town in South Carolina and for the first time in my life, I felt like Me.
One of the days there, I woke up restless. I suddenly became so unsure of why I even came on this trip. Everything was going against my thinking of happiness here. I finally felt a glimpse of Hope and it suddenly left the next day.
So what do I do to get my spirits up? Go thrifting.
There I was confronted with so many things to look through. Pictures, clothes, records, knick-knacks, books. Books. Books. Books. BOOKS.
I never felt such a strong desire to search through books. I went to the children's section and flipped through each book on those two long shelves. I initially thought I was interested in looking for greatly illustrated books, so I looked for colorful, brilliant books.
Yellow.
I spotted something yellow. I pick this book up and the cover is of two little Caterpillars looking up at the title, "Hope for the Flowers," and a bright Butterfly.
Like this.
I bring this book back to the place I was staying and I forget to look through it.
Later on that day, as I sat outside in the warm afternoon sun, wondering why I felt so restless that morning and why I couldn't understand God's push to bring me here, I go get this strange little book.
As I flip through it, a drawing of a transforming cocoon is drawn exactly like one I did a few weeks back during a great Gathering of loved friends, when I was learning about change, renewal, being made new for greater purposes.
My mouth drops.
I can't believe it. I can't believe this. Out of all the states, the cities, towns, thrift stores, and books shelves, this Yellow Book was there. Placed there for me. For Me.
For Me to find a reminder of Hope; that change is necessary. It is required.
Fast forward to today.
A road trip has begun again, but I am not directly a part of it. There are two people that are on this journey now, a journey to inspire the Unsafe Behavior in the people of The Kingdom.
This particular road trip creates in me a longing for what could be, but also an establishment of the Change, the Renewal, and the Being Made New for Greater Purposes.
Previous to this, I had been in a place that was far away from God again. A blatant disregard for what He had so tangibly shown me 2 years ago. I abused Grace like no other. Only this time, it had become a bond that only the Cross can break through. And it is still breaking through as you read.
A Gathering of loved friends has commenced again. And we prayed for each other. And we worshipped God. And we want to do this until the End.
And a Bright Yellow Book has surfaced again. This time, the person who was, in the end, a very true friend, the person from the first road trip, found it herself. At a thrift store nonetheless. Here is proof from her. Found 2 days ago.
A Pattern. It seems to be quite something, isn't it?
My disregard for the countless times God says to me "You are worth it. And I love you."
can now be no more.
He sees me. He knows Me so well. He knows me. And that is all we need to rely on. Nothing more and nothing less.
Oh, and just to bring this FULL CIRCLE, my birthday is in 2 weeks.
