"I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me"

That quote is from "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve.

No matter who you are, you know you love that song. And sometimes you can't even understand the words, but it is really one lyrically satisfying tune.

I don't know where I'm going with the song, but I have to say that art is so satisfying as well. "Art" is a very general word. You make art when you scribble doodles on a note pad talking on the phone.

Or you make art putting musical notes together. 

It doesn't discriminate on what it becomes. It just is.

But I'm talking about my art. What I create with the mess that is in my head and all that wants to come out. I'm not surprised I just don't throw paint filled balloons from a 10 story building onto a huge canvas to express what my brain feels like sometimes.... but wait, thats a great idea!

Now to find a 10 story building...

I really don't show that I like to do anything fine art wise, like painting, drawing, whatever. I've just had no time to put my entire attention on it yet. 

Alot of people probably think it shouldn't be that hard. Just sit and paint something, you stoop.

But it is difficult and it isn't. 

Art takes a life of its own as soon as you place a mark on whatever you make. Its like it gains momentum and starts growing its nerves, blood vessels, cells, skin. 

And before you know it, you've either created a monster that haunts you every time you see it again, or a floating being that has captured your imagination for just that moment in time. 

I confess today I am completely terrified of what I am able to do. The gift that God has placed so gracefully on my lap scares the crap out of me.

I can either make it or break it.

But NO artist ever felt like their work was worth anything until it meant the world to someone else.

God created the Sun and the Moon, the Stars around them, and the Trees that move the soil and nourish it for all creatures.

His work was made to mean the World to me. 

I should take notice. 

You too.

where does it hurt?

There is a commercial on TV on medication for depression.

It's actually very well done: There are 3 or 4 different types of people, with different kinds of lives, and different situations, and even different circumstances, different genders, some with children, and others with a husband or wife, or just an entire lifetime ahead of them, all somehow portrayed in a 30-80 sec segment between Kath and Kim and The Office. 

What make this commercial so good is how they show depression. Depression is an interesting thing. It is almost as indifferent as Death. Funny though how it can sometimes lead to it.

I have seen this commercial before many times. Not really paying attention to it because well, I don't deal with depression. Deal. As if it were a drug. 

But no, I don't suffer from it until I realized, I just came out of it.

Today I confess that I was depressed for a very long time. I "dealt" with depression, like you deal with sadness, happiness, frustration, and anger. I lived with it. And yeah, it hurt.

I wasn't depressed because someone broke up with me, or because I lost someone I loved, or because I did something wrong. I wasn't depressed because I have a tendency to be depressed, it doesn't run in my family.

I was dealing with depression because my mind didn't want me. 

I was in constant debate with myself as to how I handle ME. And I had very opposing sides. There was a time when I wanted to run, very far, and really never return, because it would allow myself to escape from a feeling that seemed to hover over me. But I didn't, although I was close. 

But it was like a drug. It justified my reason to rip myself apart. 

All I know now is that I don't have that anymore. That cloud. It's gone. But little remnants still appear and its as if it never really left, its just waiting to gain momentum again. 

That's where this commercial strikes me. I thank God I don't need a pill, but I thank God I do need something and its not just all me. 

Not just all me.

Not all me

Not me.

Not.

Me.

JLo please.

JLo has nothing to do with what I am about to write. Some song of hers randomly came up.

Now that I have gotten some sort of attention from you, lets git ta bizniz.

Marriage.

Yep, lets discuss. 

As random as that came about is about as random as it was for me today in everything I did.

Marriage was talked about in every place I went to today and last night: tribes, work, chapel, class, etc. I thought it was some sick joke. 

I really dont want to hear about it. I have no desire to learn of other peoples dealings with it, I dont want to know how hopeful you may be for the weather to be good that day, I dont want to sympathize with the fact the honey moon should be in Europe and not Australia. no, i dont want to see your wedding dress, and I dont care if you got your reception dress at Dillards for $100 instead of $200.

Its all way over my head and I'm not in the mood.

But the crazy thing is, and I must confess this, is that I am looking forward to that moment in my life with great anticipation.

 I am looking forward to seeing the look on his face when our hands meet in front of everyone we know and just think about how well they fit together and how warm they'll be. Forever.

I feel really dumb writing this. Almost embarrassed. Kinda feel like I should erase all of this. But I wont.

A very wise dancer said that when we are willing to accept the fact that God will be all that we have and still feel like we can't get enough of Him, then you are ready to put your hand into someone else's forever.

And when we think we need some hand in ours just to feel like we belong to them, then you better let go. 

I should start thinking that way.

Flipping a coin

I don't think there are any decisions less than others. 

Ultimately, the results of those decisions are what make that choice seem really  important or really insignificant.

I don't make tough decisions. Thank God. The toughest decision I had to make recently was whether to drive back home on the turn pike or I-95. 

(I took the turn-pike, just in case you wanted to know.)

However, someone somewhere is having to make a really hard decision that will affect their life.

So I say flip a coin.

I say let chance take a chance.

I say let God push the wind through the window just good enough to persuade the coin.

I say. I say. Whatever I say, things are going to be the way there were meant to be. No matter what anyone says or does. 

When you have what you wanted placed on your lap, will you choose what you want against what you need?

Two-face may have had it all along. 

Oh and I confess today that I absolutely love Batman. And the fact that I was tearing up during the inauguration.

Goo.

I don't like to confess, but its MLK Day!

So there are many things normal people do when they need to say something.

1. They say it.

2. They have the custom of presenting things to people close to them.

3. They go to a therapist.

4. They beat up a punching bag.

5. They write songs.

6. They create pieces of art.

7. They have debates.

8. They write books, articles, blogs (ha), letters, post it notes, napkins, frost covered windows, mud covered wind shields, misty shower doors, and lipstick cornered mirrors. 

9. They protest.

10. They text, Twit, facebook, myspace all at once.

11. They cry.

12. They laugh.

13. They get mad.

As for me:

I keep it all in a little box that no one has seen. 

But I'm not normal, so thats a relief.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I am thinking of myself. 

He was a great man, one that I would consider a role model and hero, for the obvious reasons.

He was also a human with a goal, and Lord knows he used his words to perfection in order to attain it.

Today I will confess that I truly admire Martin Luther King for speaking up.

Tomorrow another man will speak up and take up a challenge that is causing all of America, no not even, the entire world, to wait in anticipation for results. I don't think I have ever seen a group of people so willing to be patient.

Except for the slaves, but doesn't that seem to come full circle now, doesn't it?