Big, Bada, BOOM. RED.

BOOM.

BOOM.

BOOM.

expectations are BIG.

we have BIG expectations. Opinions appear like BADA BING.

Appearances are the BOOM.

BADA BING, BADA BOOM. 

BIG BOOM.

BiG BADA BOOM.

"so who's interested?" 

"look, you look, you look different."

"you look more, you look less."

BOOM.

"you look" BIG.

"you are not" Bada Bing.

"you go" BOOM.

And then there's the insides of you. The push and shove, the inhale and exhale.

The chest moves up, a beat, the chest moves down. 

You judge the insides and are judgemental.  you judge and are impressed decreasing the depressed. pressed hard against.

The flowing of discretion is so graceful you don't know you are bleeding.

Who said red was a bad color?

Red is the cover. 

S-E-X

I found out today that a friend of mine from my youth group is pregnant. 

And not married.

But very much pregnant.

I haven't spoken to this friend in years. I can't remember the last time I did. I found this news out through facebook. the all powerful communications machine. I hadn't even thought about checking up on this friend, or any other friends that I don't speak to anymore. I feel guilty. But that is not the point.

I must confess today that Sex is the word.

SEX. 

Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.

It seems dirty, it can be dirty, by golly I hope its dirty, but its not, really.

But why does it seem like it?

My friend is not married. My friend probably had sex before this time. Many times.

So why do I feel cheated? Why do I feel like she has just broken something so valuable and defiled my stance by being pregnant?

I know many people out there my age are doing it. Doing it like there is no tomorrow. And I know that I am not. I'm not doing it because I know what WILL happen tomorrow.

But I want to so bad. I want to satisfy that desire that is so natural. It's almost a cruel joke. A sweet sweet piece of chocolate dangling right in front of me, and me, me, just inches out of reach.

Lets think of cave men and women. They lived their lives as similar to animals as a human can possibly be. And whenever they had the urge, they went for it, no strings attached, no commitment, no barriers, and I'm sure no shame in front of fellow cave dwellers. (Talk about community.) Its just happened. And if the woman popped out with a little cave baby, well, that was the way of nature.

Today, in my mind, and with people like me who are saving that moment, its just as hard to not think about it than to put a round peg in a square hole. (haha, get the analogy??? didn't do it on purpose though.)

Sex is so tangible. It is so reachable. And its so desirable. I think about it a lot, more than i think I should, maybe because I haven't done it and it's all over the place and when you have someone its so easy to just get all up in it. 

And it is so easy to go up to someone and say, "Ok, lets go," too.

Its so easy not to get any consequences. But they come. They come in big ways. Bigger when you know you just put your hand in fire and you can't, won't,  get it out.

God shows me everyday that my decisions, my thought processes, my intentions, my human love, my desires are completely wrong for me. I have no idea what the hell I need or sometimes want. But I say I want something because it just feels right.

I'm sure sex feels mighty right, but I can't shake this eminent burning feeling away.

Is it suppose to burn???!!!

So I must confess that in 15 minures I'll be attending my first official meeting/practice for the PBA gospel choir.

I am somewhat terrified.

And my throat is acting like it has never been used before. Ah, the irony of life.

I dunno why I have decided to join this group. I think something in my moved my body and surged my brain to function in such a way that led me to ask and then sing in front of strangers in order to get in.
By the grace of God I'm glad they don't think I'm a total wack thinking I can sing.
But oh well, God works miracles.

And I'll be in a place where I'll be so uncomfortable.
Who would have thought I would grow out of it by standing in front a a huge crowd of poeople??
Oh, God, you silly, silly being, presence, feeling, comforter, Father.

Lowered Expectations

I have 2 pieces of cake.

Piece 1 has colors you never expected. they look and even feel surreal. the slice created perfectly and inside you find these layers that make your mouth water. each layer has enough to make you never want more or less. the consistency is quality. the taste makes you feel like you'll long for it. its smell lures you and reminds you of it anywhere.

you think: "whoever made this definitely knew it was for me."

Piece 2 is wrapped and warped. the colors are there, but are you sure they are real? you can't really tell, but it looks fine. the slice is not what you really thought would satisfy, but you take it anyway, and the layers, well, there aren't any. but I'll have it because its all I can get. its one big layer with a bunch of mess in it. it kind of falls apart in front of you, slowly, and you realize you don't want it anymore, but the taste reminds you of something, but you set the thought aside because you are in it now and you must finish.

you think: "I'll take this because I want it."

I have 2 desires:

Desire 1 is to find a person with colors I never expected. they look and feel surreal. this person is created perfectly and inside I find these layers that make my mouth water. each layer has enough to make me never want more or less. their consistency is quality. their taste would make me feel like I would long for them. their smell lures me and reminds me of them anywhere.

I think: "whoever made them definitely knew he was for me."

Desire 2 is wrapped and warped. their colors are there, but are they real? I can't really tell, but it looks fine. They are not what I thought would satisfy, but I take it anyway, and the layers, well, they don't have any. but I'll have it because its all i can get. its one big layer with a bunch of mess in it. it kind of falls apart in front of me, slowly, and I realize I don't want it anymore, but the taste reminds me of something, but I set the thought aside because I'm in it now and I must finish.

I think: "I'll take him because I want it."

I'll take it because I want it, even though there is something better.

Desire>Need

The first song

Sinner: Reach out your hands.

Children: In Christ you stand.

If you know where those lines come from then you probably think its just another dumb "too christian" band that needs to make more, better music before you listen to them again.

yeah, so did I.

But I had a vicarious encounter (something which I am trying to avoid) that made those words all I needed to hear.

I must confess today that I never, ever, EVER want to live vicariously. But sometimes I have to suck it. I have to live on from the sidelines because maybe, just maybe, the sidelines are the right places to be.

So a sinner needs to reach out his hands.

And a child needs to acknowledge that in Christ she stands.

Its time to make that happen. Vicariously.

miniature jumper cables

So Tuesday nights are special, in both good and bad ways.

Right now I am avoiding a mighty big confession. That is why I am writing about something totally opposite. So what's the point of this whole thing?? WHAT IS IT??!!

I dunno, apparently I have been too busy to make it a priority, so I'm just gunna try to get into the habit again of writing something until what I really need to say spills out. By accident, because that's the only way it will. An Accident.

Tuesday night.

Yes, it was good. We talked about ways we tend to think and be like the world. Kind of a VBS question, almost too churchy for my taste, but I went along with it because I know that what I think and eventually  do with my thoughts are as sick and demented as the next person in line to hell. 

So this got me thinking about a few things, and the end of Tuesday night came and we came up with this:

Our focus needs to be taken completely off of ourselves. So do it. Make it not about you, but completely about others so that whatever you are seeing in yourself, you can get rid of by getting rid of yourself.

Its been working. Its weird. I have helped out more people than I can think of and its been day 2.

This morning some lady whom I had never seen before needed to jump start her car and although I was going to be really really late for class, I did it. I didn't help her much, mainly because the only jumper cables we had were the length of my arm, making them the world's first mini-jumper cables, it was all good. 

I made a friend, who is a neighbor, and who needed help. 

Now about that confession, maybe I need to be jump started. 

God, I'm exhausted. 

The 1 minute run-on-sentence blog

I had coffee today and it was ok, i dont think i like having regular coffee without it tasting like anything the office was the bomb i think i am in love with the idea of a roast i should write a blog about it there is a girltalking really loud she has an appointment on feb 21st and i dont want to know about it but its cool cuz its a pizza delivery ya know? i have class in 10 minutes but I am SOO GLAD i am not sick and pooping and throwing up and feeling like the world is about to come out of every hole in my body is that to graphic i feel bad mary and megan who are throwing up i dont want to think about that makes me sick i have to move on and not care that this guy slipped and fell on his knees really hard and played it off by talking to me like im his best friend what a jack ass he was so embarrassed maybe he needed a good kick in the shins and God made him slip haha turd jamaica sounds fantastic, yes please Ill take one of those with the umbrella and a beach chair BAM! can i get it to go?

phew.

that was nice.