S-E-X

I found out today that a friend of mine from my youth group is pregnant. 

And not married.

But very much pregnant.

I haven't spoken to this friend in years. I can't remember the last time I did. I found this news out through facebook. the all powerful communications machine. I hadn't even thought about checking up on this friend, or any other friends that I don't speak to anymore. I feel guilty. But that is not the point.

I must confess today that Sex is the word.

SEX. 

Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.

It seems dirty, it can be dirty, by golly I hope its dirty, but its not, really.

But why does it seem like it?

My friend is not married. My friend probably had sex before this time. Many times.

So why do I feel cheated? Why do I feel like she has just broken something so valuable and defiled my stance by being pregnant?

I know many people out there my age are doing it. Doing it like there is no tomorrow. And I know that I am not. I'm not doing it because I know what WILL happen tomorrow.

But I want to so bad. I want to satisfy that desire that is so natural. It's almost a cruel joke. A sweet sweet piece of chocolate dangling right in front of me, and me, me, just inches out of reach.

Lets think of cave men and women. They lived their lives as similar to animals as a human can possibly be. And whenever they had the urge, they went for it, no strings attached, no commitment, no barriers, and I'm sure no shame in front of fellow cave dwellers. (Talk about community.) Its just happened. And if the woman popped out with a little cave baby, well, that was the way of nature.

Today, in my mind, and with people like me who are saving that moment, its just as hard to not think about it than to put a round peg in a square hole. (haha, get the analogy??? didn't do it on purpose though.)

Sex is so tangible. It is so reachable. And its so desirable. I think about it a lot, more than i think I should, maybe because I haven't done it and it's all over the place and when you have someone its so easy to just get all up in it. 

And it is so easy to go up to someone and say, "Ok, lets go," too.

Its so easy not to get any consequences. But they come. They come in big ways. Bigger when you know you just put your hand in fire and you can't, won't,  get it out.

God shows me everyday that my decisions, my thought processes, my intentions, my human love, my desires are completely wrong for me. I have no idea what the hell I need or sometimes want. But I say I want something because it just feels right.

I'm sure sex feels mighty right, but I can't shake this eminent burning feeling away.