Rhinocerus

Let's keep on pushing forward, shall we?

Violence required.

Why are some people (me included) so fascinated with zombies?

I mean, really, what is so appealing about the a nightmarish human has-been, eating flesh and guts and brains and then chasing you relentlessly for more?

And although the sight of them is something, I cannot imagine the smell if they were to actaully appear. Delightfully nauseating.

However, I have been thinking about this for a while, and by a while, I mean way too long for a normal person, because I honestly asked myself why in the world would I be so fascinated with such monsters. 

I start thinking about how we think of zombies today. How some of us have legitimate serious conversations with each other about where we would go if a zombie apocalypse were to happen, what weapons we would use to defend ourselves, agreeing double taps are worth it, and if it came down to it, giving friends permission to finish us off if we get bit, but only until we've fully been zombified... We don't want to get carried away, right?? Right.

Among all of this, we all agree that we must take all measures to kill these monsters off. We must be violent, destructive, unmerciful, maniacle, bloodthirsty. (No pun intended).

We imagine what we may look like and feel like in that state. Wondering whether we are even capable of such desperate hysteria because, quite frankly, it is mandatory. It is almost thrilling too. Holding your heavy weapon, swinging back, screaming, heart pounding, and feeling the impact and hearing the crack you are making unto the threat that claws at you. 

It is pertinent that we must lose ourselves in order to save the last thread that makes our race human.

And it dawns on me, "That is exactly what I want to do. I want to hold my weapon tight, eyes wide open, jaw extended in full roar, and wipe the nasty snarl off of that monster that is threatening my existance." 

I realize then that that monster, in it's purest form, is a human like creature that is trying to survive by all means possible. Clawing its way to reach sustenance that will never satisfy.

It is a creature that I have been once, and am very capable of becoming again, because I have a tendency to lose reality of being truly human.

And how I despise that monster in me. It has ripped open the bodies and hearts of close people, taken it and used it for it's pleasure. Not caring to see if their lives are worth it to them. Feeding off of expectation but never receiving it's fill. It's own body, slashed, burnt, falling apart, because with every chance it gets, it pounces on the movement of flesh and gets blasted back into repercussions too mighty for it's frame to withstand.

I am that monster and I want to blow it's brains out. 

and

I am that survivor who's human existance is threatened.

By lust, greed, sex, lies, money, laziness, culture, despair, injustice, attachment.

 

Good news is, that even among all these constant reminders of my monsterous state, I don't have to be swinging that weapon at myself any more. God has taken care of that with every blow Jesus got.

And I am so thankful. 

 

 

All of this to say that I CANNOT WAIT for the season premiere of The Walking Dead tonight. 

 

Unpurposed

The light in the Light.

For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.   For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

 

 

 

 

As of recent

When life gives you enough to deal with, make something out of it.

 

My life in the past few months.

 

My life currently. Changes.

Patterns

There seems to be a pattern of sorts developing. 

 

It's initiated with my utter disregard for the countless times God says to me "You are worth it. And I love you."

 

The pattern of my return to Him is woven like this: a road trip, a gathering, and a yellow book. 

 

It seems silly, really. It seems like I may be going out of mind. 

But please, let me paint a little picture for you.

 

Exactly 2 years ago to today's date, I realized that I had a problem with depending on people. Now wait a minute, can there be a problem with that though? Really? 

YEP. 

If you depend on them for who you are, you have quite a mess on your hands. 

 

So during this time 2 years back, I was sitting at my parent's bakery trying to understand why the one person who I depended so much on has decided to stop talking to me. 

 

I had prayed. I had talked to my family. I had made it a point to see a counselor in the future.. 

And yet, Why? Why should I go through something like this? 

 

Because I told God, " Here, just step aside and I'll let this person dictate Me, my emotions, and my view of You. Really, it's easier." 

His response: "You won't even have this person in your life until you realize who I AM."

 

So as I sat in the bakery's office, after months of figuring things out, hurting to heal, and not knowing when and where I would talk to this person again, I looked up and it was my birthday.

 

HOORAY.

 

That day I had no expectations. Weird for a birthday, I know, but under these circumstances, I couldn't afford to be disappointed because my poor fragile state would crumble me up.

 

And then I get a call. A call from that person. 

"Happy birthday!" 

"Oh Hello! Thanks! What's going on? How are you?"

"I'm really well. I am visiting someone important to me soon. I'm going on a road trip to meet up with them."

"Oh. Really? That's nice."

"Yeah, well, nice talking to you. Have a good birthday."

"Thank you. Thanks for calling too. I appreciate it."

"No problem, Bye."

"Bye."

 

 

10 minutes later I call back:

"Can I come with you? I have a video to make about a trip anyway. I can tag along, if thats OK. You'll save on gas, I'll be able to film something great and I will be doing my own thing." 

"Sure." 

 

 

Now let me recap. I had not spoken to this person in months and I knew I was going into this expecting a lot of old emotions to peak their ugly heads up again. But something said GO. Don't think. JUST GO.

 

So I went. We went on this road trip that provided no safety barrier in exposing my honesty towards this person, and vice versa. 

 

And it was beautiful. 

We reached a level of friendship that was only achievable through Grace. 

 

And so I went about my filming on that trip. Went up and down this little town in South Carolina and for the first time in my life, I felt like Me. 

 

One of the days there, I woke up restless. I suddenly became so unsure of why I even came on this trip. Everything was going against my thinking of happiness here. I finally felt a glimpse of Hope and it suddenly left the next day. 

So what do I do to get my spirits up? Go thrifting. 

 

There I was confronted with so many things to look through. Pictures, clothes, records, knick-knacks, books. Books. Books. Books. BOOKS. 

 

I never felt such a strong desire to search through books. I went to the  children's section and flipped through each book on those two long shelves. I initially thought I was interested in looking for greatly illustrated books, so I looked for colorful, brilliant books. 

 

Yellow.

I spotted something yellow. I pick this book up and the cover is of two little Caterpillars looking up at the title, "Hope for the Flowers," and a bright Butterfly.

Like this.

 

 

I bring this book back to the place I was staying and I forget to look through it. 

Later on that day, as I sat outside in the warm afternoon sun, wondering why I felt so restless that morning and why I couldn't understand God's push to bring me here, I go get this strange little book. 

 

As I flip through it, a drawing of a transforming cocoon is drawn exactly like one I did a few weeks back during a great Gathering of loved friends, when I was learning about change, renewal, being made new for greater purposes.

 

 

My mouth drops.

 

I can't believe it. I can't believe this. Out of all the states, the cities, towns, thrift stores, and books shelves, this Yellow Book was there. Placed there for me. For Me. 

 

For Me to find a reminder of Hope; that change is necessary. It is required.

 

 

Fast forward to today.

 

 

A road trip has begun again, but I am not directly a part of it. There are two people that are on this journey now, a journey to inspire the Unsafe Behavior in the people of The Kingdom. 

This particular road trip creates in me a longing for what could be, but also an establishment of the Change, the Renewal, and the Being Made New for Greater Purposes.

Previous to this, I had been in a place that was far away from God again. A blatant disregard for what He had so tangibly shown me 2 years ago. I abused Grace like no other. Only this time, it had become a bond that only the Cross can break through. And it is still breaking through as you read.

 

A Gathering of loved friends has commenced again. And we prayed for each other. And we worshipped God. And we want to do this until the End.

 

And a Bright Yellow Book has surfaced again. This time, the person who was, in the end, a very true friend, the person from the first road trip, found it herself. At a thrift store nonetheless. Here is proof from her. Found 2 days ago.

 

 

 

A Pattern. It seems to be quite something, isn't it? 

 

My disregard for the countless times God says to me "You are worth it. And I love you."

can now be no more. 

 

He sees me. He knows Me so well. He knows me. And that is all we need to rely on. Nothing more and nothing less. 

 

Oh, and just to bring this FULL CIRCLE, my birthday is in 2 weeks. 

Bam. 

 

The unnatural "natural" fear of sharks.

Recently I was told by a friend that I should get over my fear of sharks. I have to clarify that I am not afraid of all sharks, as there are many and some don't get to be very dangerous (unless you are dumb and mess with them). However, whenever there is an image of that infamous creature that made Steven Spielburg one of the top directors and producers of our time, I about feel like my chest closes in and I cannot even feel my spinal chord because it has turned to mush. 

The Great White shark gives me the awful feeling that you might get when you see a giant spider, a slithering snake, a centipede the size of your shoe, a flying roach coming toward you, or for those of you that think those are children's toys, a bright, loud, hysterical clown. 

Get the picture?

So when my good, good friend tries to tell me to get over my irrational fear of a creature that I have only seen in movies and TV, I begin to ask myself how in the WORLD will I get over that. It's not like I have an oversized cage to jump into and wade in the deep, frigid waters of the Australian coast and hold a piece of cow to lure in this teeth factory of a fish. 

And it's not like if I did I would do it, bee-tee-dubble-u.

So then I remember that incredible story of a man swallowed by a giant fish. 

A man running away from crystal clear instructions from a Being that has blessed him and will bless others through him. The man goes as far as walking in the opposite direction, getting on a boat that eventually begins to fall apart because of the severe storm the Being has inflicted the waters with. All because of the man's disobedience and reluctance. 

The man allows himself to get dumped overboard because he knows what he has done. The sailors with him tremble at the idea of a Being that can stir the seas to deathly proportions and calm them just as quickly. Just as quickly as the man hits the waters. 

And here floats in mammoth fish.

And the man gets swallowed whole. Whole. 

Not bit up, or thrashed back and forth, or nibbled on, or chased. Swallowed entirely.

And he survives.

And he praises the Being. Inside the belly of fish-beast.

And he gets vomited back out.

And the Being repeats those same instructions he gave the man, still pretty crystal clear.

And a people, a nation, a country for crying out loud, repented of all the filth they did to themselves and to the Merciful Being.

 

Now I ask myself again, how in the WORLD will I get over this irrational fear? A fear that is not only of great whites, but of great lies, of great doubts, of great loneliness, of great shame, and of great sadness?

Looking that great fish in the eye and getting comfy. 

"Cause girl, you are in it." 

Start praising. 

 

(Picture above is of a Whale Shark, not a Great White. Thank God He created a creature that meshes both of my stories together!)

BRATATATATAATAT.

And when it's not me, and all you, I'll hand over the gun so it'll be fair. Deal? 

 

DEAL.

Mash-ups.

Two of my most favorite things.

Weird? Yes

Necessary? Absolutely.

Just shut up. Alright?

That's all God wants us to do. 

And yes, it's for your own good. 

(Mine included.)

 

 

Eyesight.

"Apple of my eye"

-Originally meaning the central aperture of the eye. Figuratively it is something, or more usually someone, cherished above others.

 

"I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; 

incline your ear to me; hear my words. 

Wondrously show your steadfast love,

O Savior of those who seek refuge

from their adversaries at your right hand.

Keep me as the apple of your eye; 

hide me in the shadow of your wings,

from the wicked who do me violence,

my deadly enemies who surround me."

Psalm 17

In Nostalgic Mood

Ever wonder what God was doing before He created the heavens, the earth, and us? 

 

Maybe He was gardening. Maybe the thought of humans struck Him as He shoveled pure black dirt out of the ground, preparing to plant some lavender, daisies, or peppermint?

Maybe He was swimming. Maybe He was floating along a river, or over waves, or near the woods in a lake when He recognized a cloud that resembled something He once saw in a dream?

Maybe He was talking. Maybe He was conversing with someone, or something, and a word or scent or sight caught His attention, making Him stop His conversation in mid-sentence and stare wide-eyed and beyond?

Or maybe, just maybe, He was sitting in an old, creaky, rocking chair, thinking that maybe, just maybe, He wanted to pour out His glory through something as simple and complicated as Love. 

Just a thought.

 

Excuse me.

This picture made me so happy.

If you watched "Daria" when MTV was somewhat actually cool back in the 90's, and are at least one bit familiar with Harry Potter, this should make you smile too.

 

NA NA NA NAA NAAA. 

New and improved ramblings.

Here it is, ladies and gents. 

A new place for me to learn about myself under the vulnerability of what a blog does for a person's soul: expose it. 

The older blogs on here are from a previous one I had, but with technology being all awesome and efficient, I was able to transfer them over and now we can have all of my ramblings and weird ideas in one convenient spot. Convenient for me mostly since I just realized how much has happened in just a little over a year. Convenient for you if you are curious enough to pick one to read and see how crazy I really am. Just kidding. But really. I need a vacation... haha.

 

Alright. Read on!

 

It has been 1 year & 5 months since I've written a blog

....and a WHOLE LOT has happened.

I don't think the people that followed me on this thing are following anymore.

Oh well.

So for those of you who find yourself here again, wanna know what has happened since I last wrote?

Here, let me write you a list. I like lists. They are helpful. Here we goooooo.

In somewhat of a chronological order:

-Two of best friends got married.

-4 incredible girls moved into my house.

-My parent's business closed.

-I graduated. From College.

-My Grandmother Celeste passed away.

-Started working for Glass Productions.

-I applied for an internship at Gospel for Asia.

-My Mom turned 50. (And looks great, by the way.)

-My BFF had a baby.

-Those 4 incredible roommates all moved out. One after another.

-My sister graduated from high school.

-Got the internship for Gospel for Asia.

-5 new incredible girls will be moving into my house.

-Lived in Texas for 1 month.

-Just got back from Texas. Yesterday.

And so here we are. All of that, and all the little, grimy details happened in a little less than a year and a half ago. Its seems like a whole lot, but at the same time it doesn't.

Looking back at what I wrote on this thing, I have most definitely come a long way, but wow, do I have to realize that there really is no end in sight really. There is no end point in figuring things out because "things" will constantly change.

So change is still the common theme for the purposes of this blog. Don't know if my motives have changed, but lets try and keep this rolling, shall we?

Alright.

Hopefully I'll write again soon. Not in 2 years.