The New Meeting Place

I'm sitting in a new place. New.

I've Changed from the Old and have found a New.

I like it. I really do like it. So much that I may even use the word Love.

So soon?

Yeah.

It didn't come fast enough. I Love this Spot.

This New place has a Meeting spot all to myself. I can get to it whenever I wish, with whomever and at no one else's dispense.

I plan to have great Meetings here. Whether with a person, people, or just alone... but not really alone.

That one is my favorite. Alone but not Alone.

These Meetings lead up to all the rest, I hope.

This New place has a Meeting Spot. It is ushering in Change. A Change from the Old into the New.

A Change from what I Was to what I'll Become.

This place is weaving itself into my Cocoon.

The Place sustains the Change, shoulders it's weight being thrashed by the Winds, the Hunter, the Rains, the Coldness, the Heat, and the Noise.

"Watch me. I'm making a Cocoon.

It looks like I'm hiding, I know, but a cocoon is no escape.

It's an in-between house where the change takes place.

During the change, it will seem to you or to anyone who might peek that nothing is happening- but [You are] already becoming."*

All is moving at a rate I cannot catch up with.

Change is its Master.

My mind is saying, "Here we are again, lets do what we're best at. Panic. Be a Human. Feel it."

My heart is saying, "No. Feel it, but deal with it... as God leads you along."

My Head and my Chest are splitting.

Finally.

This Cocoon is going to Morph them together.

Finally.

*Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus

Something along the way.

I'm gunna take a road trip.

It won't take me far and it won't take me anywhere near.

But I am going to get going whether in my car, my friend's car, my mom's car, on foot, on a bike, on a floating dock, in a row boat, through my imagination, on plane, on ferry, on a train, on an elephant, on the back of a mountain, in the flow of live music, in the spices of food, through someone else's stories in a rocking chair, and in the experiences of work, play, laughter, grief, joy, and death.

But I'm gunna take a road trip. And film it all.

Compile it in a nice, presentable package, and dream of doing it all again, but better.

And do that over and over and over again until the corners of the earth are withered from my passing.

Maybe something interesting will happen along the way.

Don't Let It Go Away- This Feeling Has Got To Stay

As I am pacing back and forth

in this territory of sorts,

I embrace a familiar face

among a crowd of a million states.

The face has no features

only creatures

that linger and finger

their way into the twister

of my chest and its aching Sister.

My Red muscle beating for a longing

long lost long ago long before its calling.

They're coming

I can feel them strumming

their salty strings along the pattern of my sobbing,

those tears I cupped in fickle hands not made for such a calling.

"Look up, for My hands hold your hands, and the Water that tri, trick, trickle, trickles through,

I released carefully & blew into motion with a few whi, whis, whiss, whispers True."

Lifting the heaving chest and it's Sister companion

the strumming has ceased and the familiar face, ordained as Pain, retreats the battalion.

Music flows

grows

in my ears

and I dance

in this Joy's stance.

So from your Sight do not let me depart;

Keep me in the midst of your heart.

Freshmen: I ain't a Man but I am pretty Fresh.

Repetition is the best form of making things stick:

I will start seeing a counselor,.
I have been eating and will continue to exercise.
I will take time to sit with Jesus until I burst.
I will make time for myself.
I will pull over the side of the road to cry if I have to.
I will be open with my mom, dad and sisters.
And anything that follows will be bonus.

I will start seeing a counselor,.
I have been eating and will continue to exercise.
I will take time to sit with Jesus until I burst.
I will make time for myself.
I will pull over the side of the road to cry if I have to.
I will be open with my mom, dad and sisters.
And anything that follows will be bonus.

I will start seeing a counselor,.
I have been eating and will continue to exercise.
I will take time to sit with Jesus until I burst.
I will make time for myself.
I will pull over the side of the road to cry if I have to.
I will be open with my mom, dad and sisters.
And anything that follows will be bonus.

And anything that follows will be bonus.

I start school again tomorrow. Its suppose to be my "last" year, but I have a feeling it's not because transfer students are cursed.

I returned to school when everyone was checking in and I didn't really recognize anyone.

This feels like my first year.

First year. New Beginnings.

Here we go again Freshmen.

And anything that follows will be bonus.

Hazelnut

Today was a great day.

It had everything I wanted, even when I didn't know what that was.

Running errands for yourself is almost therapeutic. You get things done for you so you make the future best for you.

Today was like that, making whatever happens next a little better.

I learned about the next step in this process of leases ending and changes in living arrangements beginning.

Went to best buy.

I know... thats weird. Best Buy is for Dad's and uncles and manic Christmas shoppers, not me in this heat.

But I had some things to get there and it felt so good looking for what I needed.

I was looking for something that will make whatever happens next a little more interesting.

I had a huge craving for dunkin donuts coffee for some reason, so thats what I went to get next.

And to my disappointment, the closest Dunkin has been shut down.

Great.

I guess if I see one I'll stop by... or maybe next time.

So on my way to more errands (well, more like cereal and milk grocery shopping) I found a Goodwill along the way.

I got my honey-nut oats, milk, eggs, and corn pops and headed towards the Goodwill across the street, but NO! I wanted something special for me, and although I haven't done anything to deserve it, I wanted to satisfy the day.

So I kept driving until I found a Dunkin.

The line took forever. Two old ladies ahead of two other people. This better be the best damn coffee I have ever had.

It wasn't, but I took it in stride, and went back to the beacon of reminiscence that is a Goodwill and I looked through everything.

EVERYTHING.

No one was waiting for me and although I had eggs and milk in the hot car..... wait, what...who am I? a grandmother?? Who cares about the freakin eggs and milk?!

I came out with a special illustrated edition of Alice in Wonderland.

A Chicago record album with a fantastic cover.

2 compact discs of 90's glory.

The aspiration to become just like the old lady who was singing of Jesus' grace because her joy was too big for her body to contain.

And still a half full medium cup of Hazelnut Iced Coffee.

Thank God for Tuesday.

And Hazelnut Coffee.

What Wild-Eyed Beast You Be.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the things other people create.

Some people use trash to make their home decor.

Some people use technology to make things we've never seen before on TV, the internet, or movies.

Some people use stringed, brass, vocals, drums, and a plethora of other instruments (and sometimes buckets and random objects alike) to reach into feelings and realizations that we didn't even know existed inside of us.

Some people have talent and use it to its full potential, whether its hospitality, math, "fixer" of things, being a physician, being an animal specialists, setting up lights, sitting with someone, cooking, etc. etc. etc.

Recently, something has literally comprised all that I have been through and all that I will go through... all because someone created it.

However, you won't see it like I see it.

Maybe you never will.

But that is the beauty of what was made.

I have held on to this piece because it appeared randomly during the release of my deepest weakness and pain.

I hold on to it because it explains a lot.

I will hold on to it because it will make me remember where I was.

This piece is a song called "The Space Between" by The Dave Matthews Band.

You've probably heard of it...

As cheesy as it sounds, yeah, its a song.

But I am not a musician. If I play an instrument its probably because I'm really good at faking it.

But what this song makes me feel and what the words portray are enough to make the simplest human transcend any form of musical comprehension.

So now I repeat:

You won't see it like I see it.

Maybe you never will.

But that is the beauty of what this song has given me.

I looked up the lyrics and to be honest, some of the words don't have anything to do with the realization it gave me.

But all the other words swirl around into a mixture of understanding. It's so refreshing.

I continued to look into the song and the reasons for why it was written.

Here is what I came up with:

i think the song reminds us that no matter what we do in life there will always be that space that we can never quite fill and it effects us in ways that we can never understand.
- brian, dekalb, IL

This song reminds me of a couple who are waiting and waiting- whom the man is completely in love with a happily married woman and the happily married woman is love with the other man. It reminds me of the lies they would tell to eachother and to anyone else involved just to fight to keep what they have going. It is about two people who would do anything to be together-but won't because they can't make it right.....Still they can't help it... even though they know it is a sin to ever even consider being together... So- finally in the end they just do the wrong thing and choose to be together no matter the consequenses because their love was so strong and right- even if everyone saw see it as wrong.
- Tahnya, Plano, TX

I think its about a gay guy. stuck in the closet ya know?
- sam, swannanoa, NC

This song to me sounds like a conversation between two people. Like Dave is saying something and the next line is someone responding.

- Cheryl, Schenectady, NY

I saw a documentary on The Dave Mathews Band, and he was saying his music is made to inspire people. He did an amazing job. And pretty much the lyrics mean whatever you hear them to be. Whatever personal is going on in your life at that moment will influence the meaning on the song. He is very poetic and loves what he does very much, and it shows.
- Bethany, Hamilton, OH

...... I remember reading about an interview with Dave matthews and he was asked what a certain song was about and he said that to him now it meant something completely different than it does to him today. He said that everyone who hears a song will derive the meaning the need or want out of it, because we are all unique and all are presented with different obstacles and rewards and that is what shapes the meaning of a song. He saiys when he hears a song he wrote ten years ago on the radio or in the car or plays it at a show he sometimes will all the sudden be like wow that means this to me. Because he has changed and his outlook on the world has changed.
- Nicole, Portland, ME

So everyone has an opinion. It is all different.

Some more elaborate than others. But still, it means something either way.

As I reread the lyrics again, some of the words don't connect-

I'm not in love with anyone, but I've been spinning in the madness of a rollercoaster.

I don't need to hold anyone, but I did go off like a devil in a church in a middle of a crowded room, so I need to be held.

I'm refering what I'm writing to many people. People around me will find this song differently than I did, but I pray we don't take this ship down, in our own ways.

I have cried tears but the laughter will make me come back for more, even if tears are there again.

The fickle, fuddled words I've used confuse me in the twisted game I played in my head.

The strange allies I've made and that I've become all have hearts that are warring for much more and yet I've lied to them about what I am to keep safe from the pain.

And so on and so on...

"The Space Between" by DMB

You cannot quit me so quickly

There's no hope in you for me

No corner you could squeeze me

But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between

The tears we cry

Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

The Space Between

The wicked lies we tell

And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me

Like 'Will it rain today?'

Waste the hours with talking, talking

These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies

With warring hearts

What wild-eyed beast you be

The Space Between

The wicked lies we tell

And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?

Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in

The madness of a roller coaster

You know you went off like a devil

In a church in the middle of a crowded room

All we can do, my love

Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between

Where you're smiling high

Is where you'll find me if I get to go

The Space Between

The bullets in our firefight

Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you

The rain that falls

Splash in your heart

Ran like sadness down the window into...

The Space Between

Our wicked lies

Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand

'Cause we're walking out of here

Oh, right out of here

Love is all we need here

The Space Between

What's wrong and right

Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you

The Space Between

Your heart and mine

Is the space we'll fill with time

The Space Between...

I found this in my search for the song's meaning.

It's someone's opinion again, but I couldn't have written it any better:

"In every relationship there comes a time when you recognize that as much as you care about the other person, we are always still alone. There are things that we can only deal with as individuals, and when you care about someone it is very difficult to watch them go through a difficult time, such as a depression. You want to be able to hold them and take their pain away, but it is not possible; all you can do is wait patiently while they go through their own emotional process-- that is when you are painfully aware of the space between."

I guess Someone can answer me...

Well, that was fast.

I didn't think it would be so, but someone did answer my question, and so the next step seems so much less frightening and a lot more comforting.

Who would have thought that a little bit of courage and the confession of a whole lot of mess can get you a good night's sleep?

"...because the Truth will.... what?"

"Set you Free."

Hosanna, Hallelujah.

It is raining.

I don't think there has been such a difficult time as this.

The time right now, with the issues pressing on and the helplessness I feel among it all.

The tightening of my neck and the short breaths I take are only a little bit of the physical reactions to what's in my mind.

I can't even begin with what IS inside.

But as I speak those that I need don't want to listen.

And as I don't speak, others are willing to spend the time.

I'm confused, angry, expectant, irritated, sleepless, lonely and afraid.

But mostly, expectant.

So what now?

Can someone please answer me that?

someday somebody is gunna make you wanna turn around and say GOODBYE

I'm sitting here trying to contemplate what to whine about cuz I haven't done so in a while
and then Wilson Phillip's song comes on.

No more words necessary.

Easter

NAH! I am DONE talking about Easter.

It was enlightening, but really difficult. But I guess everyday is like Easter... like Christmas. Kinda sorta.

I really don't have anything to say. I am trying to finish a take-home final. Its getting harder and harder to focus. Oh the joys.

Nothing has been going on. Except that my small group has come to an end. Nothing wrong has happened. Our leaders needed a break. Our leaders mean a  lot to us. They were exhausted out of their minds. So we've stopped it. Its weird. But I kinda like it and I kinda don't.

I'm boring myself. 

Sunfest needs to get the hell out of Flagler!

And I need to quit do so much and doing so little... all at the same time.

Whatever that means.

"Everyday is another chance to make it."

Yesterday was Sunday.

Yesterday was Easter.

Yesterday was the Third day. 

He is gone. 

The tomb is empty.

He is gone.

Sadness turns into fearful expectancy.

He is gone.

People can't believe it.

But he is gone.

Jesus died. Jesus rose. Jesus rose even higher, after telling us what to do.

Jesus woke up from death's nightmare and now we have him forever.

Thank you Jesus, for everyday is another chance to make it

closer to you.

"Everyday is another chance to make..."

Today is Saturday.

Today is the Saturday that Jesus is dead. 

And A LOT of people have lost all hope. All of it.

They saw the person that would lift them out of the scum of the earth hang there.

Just bleed and hang there like a rag.

"All this time we spent and it ends like this."

But the curtain split in two, exposing the Holy of Holies for everyone to see. 

But the earth shook.

But.

Now what?

"Everyday is another chance to..."

Everyday is another chance to... put Jesus on the cross again.

Like we did Yesterday, Good Friday.

Not so Good of a Friday for some. 

But It will be good. Soon.

Lets stop crucifying Him again and again and again with our ignorance.

It will be so GOOD. Soon.

"Everyday is another chance..."

Today was Thursday.

Today was the Thursday of a whole lot of things.

Its supper time and there is a load of unleavened bread.

A WHOLE  LOT. 

I don't know a whole lot about this entire Passover meal thing, but I did look up some stuff and now I am even more clueless.

The Thursday before Jesus' death was the beginning of Passover, which is a memorial ceremony of how God saved the Jews from the Egyptians. You know, you've seen The Prince of Egypt. (When you believe.... YEAH.)

However, Jesus makes this meal special. Its technically called a Seder meal, which has a whole lot of foods that represent a whole lot of things, and I need to stop saying the word "whole."

All I'm saying is that this is pretty significant. 

But Jesus uses this opportunity to make a new memorial. We now do this in remembrance of Him. 

And now, it should be even more significant.

You've heard this before. Break the bread, eat it, think of Jesus on the cross. Bless the juice, drink, and think of Jesus' blood.

Thats pretty gross. But hey, we remember.

Yep. We really do remember, and we really do feel... we feel.... so... we feel so.... 

Hmm, bloody and bready? 

Thats a lovely remembrance picture. 

But no no no no nooo. Look at what happens next.

Jesus prays in Gethsemane. Prays so hard and is in such anxiety that our mere stress looks like a tickle.

One of his followers, his friend, expresses in so many steps that 30 pieces of metal are better than he is with a kiss.

He gets arrested, accused of things he, and the rest of the people pointing their fingers, knew he didn't do.

He is not recognized, denied 3 times.

And the righteous "Council" striked him in the face.

Yep. Lets remember him now.

I tried to make a Passover meal. I failed. I did however make a meal of some sort. It felt good to make something healthy, worthy of eating.

But its hard to remember when you forget what you were remembering in the first place.

Meal, Arrest, and Trial.

I must confess, thats a hefty dinner.

"Everyday is another..."

Today is Wednesday.

Today is the Wednesday when Jesus did nothing. 

Wait.

What? 

Apparently, he did nothing. 

And apparently I am an orange.

I think there is more to nothing.

Continuing with the idea of Passion Week, now is about the time when Jesus speaks of things that are to come, the closing of the age that is, and the signs that will show it.

Ok, now that is way over my head. 

The age to come? What age is that and what is an age?!

The signs of Jesus coming back? Does that mean destruction or does that mean I will be in heaven; am I going to heaven?

The word "tribulation" is said in Matthew, and we all know what that means.

No, not really. I have no idea. 

I guess it means trouble of some sort. Jesus says: "they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my sake."

Oh, ok. Got it.

Something to look forward to.

Now, I am not trying to be insensitive. I am actually just trying to be more sensitive to what all this is saying, but it is hard to understand. 

I heard recently that maybe the age to come has already passed, and that all the signs occurred. And that the destruction of the temple that Jesus talks about in here was the destruction that happened already. 

All this to say that I don't find the facts important. Not at all.

But Yes, we are to take heed of what Jesus is telling us to do.

Do you know what he is saying?

He is telling us to STAY AWAKE because we do not know when all this is coming, if it is during our time.

Just STAY AWAKE.

But that is not the part that has got me.

Reading through all this, I realized that I am going to die.

I am going to be dead. A corpse. A body without biological life. Without physical breath. Without blood flowing through it. Without movement.

And I must confess, it terrifies me to think of death, because it will become me.

I am not ready to die. The idea of this blackness, this loneliness that crushes your chest because it is so powerful fills me with terror.

Terror like that of when you don't know what is 

behind the closet door

under the bed

below your feet in the water

across, through the window

beyond the darkness in the hallway

inside the hole in the wall

in the dark corner of the room

in the thoughts of people

in the deep caverns of your mind

in the urgent desires of your heart.

I am afraid of death, because I still have doubt.

But death didn't stop Jesus.

Doubt left him.

 

Sunday's ah-comin'... 

"Everyday is..."

Today is Tuesday.

Today is the Tuesday that Jesus spoke about the Pharisees and scribes.

And called them all hypocrites, liars, gluttons, prideful: Undeserving.

'Its so sad for you, you who think its all about how you look next to God rather than how you feel bowing at his feet. "You shut the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. For you neither enter yourselves not allow those who would enter to go in." '

Jesus was not a little mad, he was furious. 

You know how you get when you are more than mad. It seems like the blood inside of you raises its temperature and the heat makes even more mad. I can't imagine how hot Jesus' blood got.

And to think it was those same religious hypocrites who would expose that same blood.

I think I am and I know I have seen and been around people who are just like those leaders Jesus is talking about.

I am not saying they (the people I know and myself included) do things that are "stumbling blocks"... blah blah blah with that saying.

I am saying that we do not take things seriously.

Its really still all about us.

even if you go give money away to people who need it to buy food, clothes, pay rent or support their children. 

even if you spend your time doing things for others.

even if you just sit there and think you were productive.

I don't really know where I am going with this. But I do know that I want to know what happened every single day before Jesus is brought back to life.

Brought back to life. I don't like how that doesn't shock me, or anyone, anymore.

"Everyday..."

I don't know how to celebrate easter.

Easter. What does that mean?

Lets see:

1. An annual Christian festival in commemoration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, observed on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox [....]

Origins: Before 900, Ester, Ostern; original name of a goddess and her festival; akin to East.

Thank you dictionary.com. 

Goo.

So where are the bunnies, and the pastel colors, and....oh, and the plethora of chocolates?

I get so confused as to how we can associate the resurrected God/man and peeps.

Now before you get all defensive on how easter egg hunts are for the children to enjoy the holiday, let me explain where I am going.

Yesterday was Sunday, and this week is Passion week.

Yesterday was the Sunday in which Christ makes his "triumphal entry," making it Palm Sunday, the day he enters the town he is to be convicted in with crowds and crowds of people laying down their cloaks and branches of palms and trees in front of his path in adoration. Yeah, adoration.

Today is Monday. 

The Monday of Jesus' eventful week he overturns the tables full of money and drives out the men exchanging coins and pigeons in the temple.

He tells everyone, quoting  an Isaiah scripture: " 'My house is a house of prayer,' and you make it a den of robbers."

During the same time, Jesus "curses" a fig tree he wanted to eat from but had no fruit on its branches to take.

He wasn't mad at it, he didn't even take offense that this plant, in his presence, didn't automatically sprout figs to provide for his hunger.

But he does it anyway and does it to show his followers that the religiously blind will never amount to anything for themselves, just like that fig tree.

What I found more interesting is that he spoke of prayer in both separate events, just as much as he talked about the Pharisees who were going to wither away like the perfectly fine fig tree who wasn't even in season to produce its fruit.

Prayer is one of the first things Jesus talks about during his week in Jerusalem before he dies.

I don't know how to celebrate Easter, mainly because my family was never into doing what American's do on this day, and when we got the hint, we started to hide plastic eggs in our backyard for my younger sisters, (and sometimes myself... hey, i like chocolate too.)

I have found that Passion week is more intense than we believe it is. 

And that Easter is a much more profound culmination of events than we make it to be.

I love easter, its beautiful, and I have always enjoyed the small get-togethers and moments of laughter and peace on these Sundays with both friends and family.

But I must confess, I just don't know.

Bringing down the house: floor, stairs, threshold, mics, and singers included.

Today was a Sunday for the books.

Today was a Sunday, thats fore sure.

The PBA choir, which included myself, was invited today to sing at a consecration site for a new educational building in what most of us would call the "urban" side of west palm. the hood, if you will.

Location was a factor for today, but it wasn't a distraction at all. The members of that church, as filled with the Spirit of truth and Shikanah glory as they come, were the most welcoming people I have ever encountered in a church setting. 

This is besides the point, for our reason for being there was to bring some music to this day that has been a long endeavor for this church. An education center in this part of town is greatly needed.

So we, as the choir, arrive and are presented with a view of the stage that is to be what we stand on for the 2 songs we sing. We all look at it and wonder.... "will it stay...I mean, it has to stand good enough right? Oh the guy said it was safe... ok, I believe him, sure, yes, Jesus help me."

As we step foot on that dear platform of most deception, the swaying doesn't help. 

This thing was rickety. Bone ass rickety.

We make it through the may-me-my-mo-moos (I like doing those) and we walked back down the steps as if all is dandy.

When it was our time to go back up, I personally had no idea that anything that was about to happen would ever happen to me. You see this stuff on America's funniest. not Consecration sundays.

So 2 minutes into the song, and this 2 minutes of this song was a real doozy. The song kept getting higher, so I was mostly concentrating on not sounding like someone stepped on a chicken. 

And then the right side of me was 27 degrees at an angle from my left.

The right side of the rickety rick rick stage had collapsed.

And our high Yes! LORD! went from YEESSAAAASEHEASAHEIOHDJHSFH!!

And you know what?

We kept on singing.

Hell yeah we did. We even went higher than we usually practice the song. I was moving my mouth but my mind was saying to get the hell off!

We ended the song and carefully got off the stage that now looked like titanic's final hours, and finished our set.

Needless to say that verbrato or whatever that is called, the shaking noise, did not come from years of voice lessons my friend.

At last we call gather together, to see if maybe we all were dreaming what just happened, because it could have seriously killed us, and we all laugh. Laugh because this would happen.

And it happened, and we kept singing. 

I wish  I had kept that feeling the rest of the day. I must confess, (something I haven't done in a while) that although today I had sincere unity with my new friends, I felt really alone.

I guess thats what happens when you take too long naps. You're all turned around.

A Sunday to remember, PRAISE EM!

today

I haven't confessed anything lately.

I have been way too busy.

But I do want to confess something today.

Megan, you are so dear to me. 

Megan, you are my best friend.

And Megan, God has you wrapped around his being; the stars are watching. 

I love you, bf. 

I want the chest back

I am sitting here, an hour before my class on Jesus, and I am watching Pirates of the Caribbean number 3.

I am a college student.

I am a very much indeady a college student.

And I am also about to loose why I became a college whatever in the first place.

In the movie, the octopus face guy, a Mr. Davy Jones, is fighting to get a chest which has his heart in it.

Thats so touching, considering that he's what? the terror o' the seas? But  nonetheless he is still fighting against all to get to the chest with his heart. Why does he want it? Because he felt something with it, and even though he didn't have it in his own chest, the idea was enough.

I too wish to get the chest back. This college student thing that everyone seems to have under raps so well has gotten to me and I have lost what seems to be what the chest is holding: heart. Passion.

I have been stressed beyond belief. I have been stretched beyond recognition of my abilities. And I don't know where my passions are anymore.

But in light of certain recent events. Passions come and they'll stay with you, but life keeps bringing what it brings, whatever that may be.

I guess you just have to make sure you know where you stand.

Savy?

Big, Bada, BOOM. RED.

BOOM.

BOOM.

BOOM.

expectations are BIG.

we have BIG expectations. Opinions appear like BADA BING.

Appearances are the BOOM.

BADA BING, BADA BOOM. 

BIG BOOM.

BiG BADA BOOM.

"so who's interested?" 

"look, you look, you look different."

"you look more, you look less."

BOOM.

"you look" BIG.

"you are not" Bada Bing.

"you go" BOOM.

And then there's the insides of you. The push and shove, the inhale and exhale.

The chest moves up, a beat, the chest moves down. 

You judge the insides and are judgemental.  you judge and are impressed decreasing the depressed. pressed hard against.

The flowing of discretion is so graceful you don't know you are bleeding.

Who said red was a bad color?

Red is the cover. 

S-E-X

I found out today that a friend of mine from my youth group is pregnant. 

And not married.

But very much pregnant.

I haven't spoken to this friend in years. I can't remember the last time I did. I found this news out through facebook. the all powerful communications machine. I hadn't even thought about checking up on this friend, or any other friends that I don't speak to anymore. I feel guilty. But that is not the point.

I must confess today that Sex is the word.

SEX. 

Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex.

It seems dirty, it can be dirty, by golly I hope its dirty, but its not, really.

But why does it seem like it?

My friend is not married. My friend probably had sex before this time. Many times.

So why do I feel cheated? Why do I feel like she has just broken something so valuable and defiled my stance by being pregnant?

I know many people out there my age are doing it. Doing it like there is no tomorrow. And I know that I am not. I'm not doing it because I know what WILL happen tomorrow.

But I want to so bad. I want to satisfy that desire that is so natural. It's almost a cruel joke. A sweet sweet piece of chocolate dangling right in front of me, and me, me, just inches out of reach.

Lets think of cave men and women. They lived their lives as similar to animals as a human can possibly be. And whenever they had the urge, they went for it, no strings attached, no commitment, no barriers, and I'm sure no shame in front of fellow cave dwellers. (Talk about community.) Its just happened. And if the woman popped out with a little cave baby, well, that was the way of nature.

Today, in my mind, and with people like me who are saving that moment, its just as hard to not think about it than to put a round peg in a square hole. (haha, get the analogy??? didn't do it on purpose though.)

Sex is so tangible. It is so reachable. And its so desirable. I think about it a lot, more than i think I should, maybe because I haven't done it and it's all over the place and when you have someone its so easy to just get all up in it. 

And it is so easy to go up to someone and say, "Ok, lets go," too.

Its so easy not to get any consequences. But they come. They come in big ways. Bigger when you know you just put your hand in fire and you can't, won't,  get it out.

God shows me everyday that my decisions, my thought processes, my intentions, my human love, my desires are completely wrong for me. I have no idea what the hell I need or sometimes want. But I say I want something because it just feels right.

I'm sure sex feels mighty right, but I can't shake this eminent burning feeling away.

Is it suppose to burn???!!!

So I must confess that in 15 minures I'll be attending my first official meeting/practice for the PBA gospel choir.

I am somewhat terrified.

And my throat is acting like it has never been used before. Ah, the irony of life.

I dunno why I have decided to join this group. I think something in my moved my body and surged my brain to function in such a way that led me to ask and then sing in front of strangers in order to get in.
By the grace of God I'm glad they don't think I'm a total wack thinking I can sing.
But oh well, God works miracles.

And I'll be in a place where I'll be so uncomfortable.
Who would have thought I would grow out of it by standing in front a a huge crowd of poeople??
Oh, God, you silly, silly being, presence, feeling, comforter, Father.

Lowered Expectations

I have 2 pieces of cake.

Piece 1 has colors you never expected. they look and even feel surreal. the slice created perfectly and inside you find these layers that make your mouth water. each layer has enough to make you never want more or less. the consistency is quality. the taste makes you feel like you'll long for it. its smell lures you and reminds you of it anywhere.

you think: "whoever made this definitely knew it was for me."

Piece 2 is wrapped and warped. the colors are there, but are you sure they are real? you can't really tell, but it looks fine. the slice is not what you really thought would satisfy, but you take it anyway, and the layers, well, there aren't any. but I'll have it because its all I can get. its one big layer with a bunch of mess in it. it kind of falls apart in front of you, slowly, and you realize you don't want it anymore, but the taste reminds you of something, but you set the thought aside because you are in it now and you must finish.

you think: "I'll take this because I want it."

I have 2 desires:

Desire 1 is to find a person with colors I never expected. they look and feel surreal. this person is created perfectly and inside I find these layers that make my mouth water. each layer has enough to make me never want more or less. their consistency is quality. their taste would make me feel like I would long for them. their smell lures me and reminds me of them anywhere.

I think: "whoever made them definitely knew he was for me."

Desire 2 is wrapped and warped. their colors are there, but are they real? I can't really tell, but it looks fine. They are not what I thought would satisfy, but I take it anyway, and the layers, well, they don't have any. but I'll have it because its all i can get. its one big layer with a bunch of mess in it. it kind of falls apart in front of me, slowly, and I realize I don't want it anymore, but the taste reminds me of something, but I set the thought aside because I'm in it now and I must finish.

I think: "I'll take him because I want it."

I'll take it because I want it, even though there is something better.

Desire>Need

The first song

Sinner: Reach out your hands.

Children: In Christ you stand.

If you know where those lines come from then you probably think its just another dumb "too christian" band that needs to make more, better music before you listen to them again.

yeah, so did I.

But I had a vicarious encounter (something which I am trying to avoid) that made those words all I needed to hear.

I must confess today that I never, ever, EVER want to live vicariously. But sometimes I have to suck it. I have to live on from the sidelines because maybe, just maybe, the sidelines are the right places to be.

So a sinner needs to reach out his hands.

And a child needs to acknowledge that in Christ she stands.

Its time to make that happen. Vicariously.

miniature jumper cables

So Tuesday nights are special, in both good and bad ways.

Right now I am avoiding a mighty big confession. That is why I am writing about something totally opposite. So what's the point of this whole thing?? WHAT IS IT??!!

I dunno, apparently I have been too busy to make it a priority, so I'm just gunna try to get into the habit again of writing something until what I really need to say spills out. By accident, because that's the only way it will. An Accident.

Tuesday night.

Yes, it was good. We talked about ways we tend to think and be like the world. Kind of a VBS question, almost too churchy for my taste, but I went along with it because I know that what I think and eventually  do with my thoughts are as sick and demented as the next person in line to hell. 

So this got me thinking about a few things, and the end of Tuesday night came and we came up with this:

Our focus needs to be taken completely off of ourselves. So do it. Make it not about you, but completely about others so that whatever you are seeing in yourself, you can get rid of by getting rid of yourself.

Its been working. Its weird. I have helped out more people than I can think of and its been day 2.

This morning some lady whom I had never seen before needed to jump start her car and although I was going to be really really late for class, I did it. I didn't help her much, mainly because the only jumper cables we had were the length of my arm, making them the world's first mini-jumper cables, it was all good. 

I made a friend, who is a neighbor, and who needed help. 

Now about that confession, maybe I need to be jump started. 

God, I'm exhausted. 

The 1 minute run-on-sentence blog

I had coffee today and it was ok, i dont think i like having regular coffee without it tasting like anything the office was the bomb i think i am in love with the idea of a roast i should write a blog about it there is a girltalking really loud she has an appointment on feb 21st and i dont want to know about it but its cool cuz its a pizza delivery ya know? i have class in 10 minutes but I am SOO GLAD i am not sick and pooping and throwing up and feeling like the world is about to come out of every hole in my body is that to graphic i feel bad mary and megan who are throwing up i dont want to think about that makes me sick i have to move on and not care that this guy slipped and fell on his knees really hard and played it off by talking to me like im his best friend what a jack ass he was so embarrassed maybe he needed a good kick in the shins and God made him slip haha turd jamaica sounds fantastic, yes please Ill take one of those with the umbrella and a beach chair BAM! can i get it to go?

phew.

that was nice.

"I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me"

That quote is from "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve.

No matter who you are, you know you love that song. And sometimes you can't even understand the words, but it is really one lyrically satisfying tune.

I don't know where I'm going with the song, but I have to say that art is so satisfying as well. "Art" is a very general word. You make art when you scribble doodles on a note pad talking on the phone.

Or you make art putting musical notes together. 

It doesn't discriminate on what it becomes. It just is.

But I'm talking about my art. What I create with the mess that is in my head and all that wants to come out. I'm not surprised I just don't throw paint filled balloons from a 10 story building onto a huge canvas to express what my brain feels like sometimes.... but wait, thats a great idea!

Now to find a 10 story building...

I really don't show that I like to do anything fine art wise, like painting, drawing, whatever. I've just had no time to put my entire attention on it yet. 

Alot of people probably think it shouldn't be that hard. Just sit and paint something, you stoop.

But it is difficult and it isn't. 

Art takes a life of its own as soon as you place a mark on whatever you make. Its like it gains momentum and starts growing its nerves, blood vessels, cells, skin. 

And before you know it, you've either created a monster that haunts you every time you see it again, or a floating being that has captured your imagination for just that moment in time. 

I confess today I am completely terrified of what I am able to do. The gift that God has placed so gracefully on my lap scares the crap out of me.

I can either make it or break it.

But NO artist ever felt like their work was worth anything until it meant the world to someone else.

God created the Sun and the Moon, the Stars around them, and the Trees that move the soil and nourish it for all creatures.

His work was made to mean the World to me. 

I should take notice. 

You too.

where does it hurt?

There is a commercial on TV on medication for depression.

It's actually very well done: There are 3 or 4 different types of people, with different kinds of lives, and different situations, and even different circumstances, different genders, some with children, and others with a husband or wife, or just an entire lifetime ahead of them, all somehow portrayed in a 30-80 sec segment between Kath and Kim and The Office. 

What make this commercial so good is how they show depression. Depression is an interesting thing. It is almost as indifferent as Death. Funny though how it can sometimes lead to it.

I have seen this commercial before many times. Not really paying attention to it because well, I don't deal with depression. Deal. As if it were a drug. 

But no, I don't suffer from it until I realized, I just came out of it.

Today I confess that I was depressed for a very long time. I "dealt" with depression, like you deal with sadness, happiness, frustration, and anger. I lived with it. And yeah, it hurt.

I wasn't depressed because someone broke up with me, or because I lost someone I loved, or because I did something wrong. I wasn't depressed because I have a tendency to be depressed, it doesn't run in my family.

I was dealing with depression because my mind didn't want me. 

I was in constant debate with myself as to how I handle ME. And I had very opposing sides. There was a time when I wanted to run, very far, and really never return, because it would allow myself to escape from a feeling that seemed to hover over me. But I didn't, although I was close. 

But it was like a drug. It justified my reason to rip myself apart. 

All I know now is that I don't have that anymore. That cloud. It's gone. But little remnants still appear and its as if it never really left, its just waiting to gain momentum again. 

That's where this commercial strikes me. I thank God I don't need a pill, but I thank God I do need something and its not just all me. 

Not just all me.

Not all me

Not me.

Not.

Me.

JLo please.

JLo has nothing to do with what I am about to write. Some song of hers randomly came up.

Now that I have gotten some sort of attention from you, lets git ta bizniz.

Marriage.

Yep, lets discuss. 

As random as that came about is about as random as it was for me today in everything I did.

Marriage was talked about in every place I went to today and last night: tribes, work, chapel, class, etc. I thought it was some sick joke. 

I really dont want to hear about it. I have no desire to learn of other peoples dealings with it, I dont want to know how hopeful you may be for the weather to be good that day, I dont want to sympathize with the fact the honey moon should be in Europe and not Australia. no, i dont want to see your wedding dress, and I dont care if you got your reception dress at Dillards for $100 instead of $200.

Its all way over my head and I'm not in the mood.

But the crazy thing is, and I must confess this, is that I am looking forward to that moment in my life with great anticipation.

 I am looking forward to seeing the look on his face when our hands meet in front of everyone we know and just think about how well they fit together and how warm they'll be. Forever.

I feel really dumb writing this. Almost embarrassed. Kinda feel like I should erase all of this. But I wont.

A very wise dancer said that when we are willing to accept the fact that God will be all that we have and still feel like we can't get enough of Him, then you are ready to put your hand into someone else's forever.

And when we think we need some hand in ours just to feel like we belong to them, then you better let go. 

I should start thinking that way.

Flipping a coin

I don't think there are any decisions less than others. 

Ultimately, the results of those decisions are what make that choice seem really  important or really insignificant.

I don't make tough decisions. Thank God. The toughest decision I had to make recently was whether to drive back home on the turn pike or I-95. 

(I took the turn-pike, just in case you wanted to know.)

However, someone somewhere is having to make a really hard decision that will affect their life.

So I say flip a coin.

I say let chance take a chance.

I say let God push the wind through the window just good enough to persuade the coin.

I say. I say. Whatever I say, things are going to be the way there were meant to be. No matter what anyone says or does. 

When you have what you wanted placed on your lap, will you choose what you want against what you need?

Two-face may have had it all along. 

Oh and I confess today that I absolutely love Batman. And the fact that I was tearing up during the inauguration.

Goo.

I don't like to confess, but its MLK Day!

So there are many things normal people do when they need to say something.

1. They say it.

2. They have the custom of presenting things to people close to them.

3. They go to a therapist.

4. They beat up a punching bag.

5. They write songs.

6. They create pieces of art.

7. They have debates.

8. They write books, articles, blogs (ha), letters, post it notes, napkins, frost covered windows, mud covered wind shields, misty shower doors, and lipstick cornered mirrors. 

9. They protest.

10. They text, Twit, facebook, myspace all at once.

11. They cry.

12. They laugh.

13. They get mad.

As for me:

I keep it all in a little box that no one has seen. 

But I'm not normal, so thats a relief.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I am thinking of myself. 

He was a great man, one that I would consider a role model and hero, for the obvious reasons.

He was also a human with a goal, and Lord knows he used his words to perfection in order to attain it.

Today I will confess that I truly admire Martin Luther King for speaking up.

Tomorrow another man will speak up and take up a challenge that is causing all of America, no not even, the entire world, to wait in anticipation for results. I don't think I have ever seen a group of people so willing to be patient.

Except for the slaves, but doesn't that seem to come full circle now, doesn't it?